E25: The Messiah - Anonymous St Swithun’s Parishioner

Anonymous St Swithun's Parishioner - The Messiah

Source: It was published in a parish newsletter of St Swithun's church. 

Story:

Most of us are familiar with the words and music of the great Oratorio but Bill Jones of Golcar, a little village in the West Riding of Yorkshire, had never been to a performance and he tried to persuade a friend to go with him to the Huddersfield Town Hall to hear the famous Choral Society, but his friend refused. “Nay” he said “that sort ‘o music’s nowt in my line.  I like a good comic song or a lively jig, but I reckon nowt to this sacred stuff as they call it.  It’s beyond me. An’ another thing – there’1l be none of our sort there. It’1l be mostly religious folk and swells done up in boiled shirts and wimmen wi’ nowt much on.  Nay, you go by theesen and then you can tell me all about it sometime”.

So Bill went by himself.

The next time the old pals met, the fo1lowing conversation took place.  “Well cum on, how did you get on at Messiah? 

“Ee well” said Bill – “It were fair champion. I would’na missed it for al’t tea in China.  When I got there, Town Hall were crowded, it was chock full and I had a job to get a seat, and no wonder, it were all them singers – they took up half the gallery.  There were a chap larkin’ about on the organ.  He weren’t playing anythin’ in particular, just runnin’ his ‘ands up and down as if he was practising.  Well after a while a lot of chaps came in carrying fiddles.  Then…….they brought in the Messiah!

Wel1 – that’s what I took it to be.  It were’t biggest instrument on the platform and it were covered in a big green bag.  Any road, they took bag off it and then a bloke rubbed its belly wi’ a stick and you should have heard it groan. It were summat like the last expiring moments of a dying cow.  I were just thinking of going when a little chap came on, all dolled up in a white waistcoat and wi’ a flower in his buttonhole and everything went dead quiet.  You could have heard a pin drop.  He ‘ad a stick in his ‘and and he started waving it about and all the singers stared at him.  I reckon they was wondering what were the matter we ‘im.

Then they started to sing and they hadn’t been going long before they were fighting like cats.  I reckon he should have walloped one or two of them with that  stick.  First one side said they were King o’ Glory, then the t’other side said they were, and they went at it hammer and tongs.  But it fizzled out, so I’ve no idea which side won.  Then there was a bit of bother about some sheep that was lost. I don’t know who they belonged to but one lot of singers must have been very fond of mutton ‘cos they kept on singing  “All we like sheep “.  I couldn’t help saying to the chap sitting next to me that sheep’s alright in moderation but I like a bit of beef meself and he looked daggers at me and said “Shush!!” – so I shushed.

Then a bloke stood up and sang by hisself.  They must have been his sheep ‘cos he said every mountain and hill should be made low and I thought they’d be sure to find them.  Then the organist started banging, and the rest of the band was just as mad, ‘cos the way they were sawing them fiddles I thought they were going to go through ’em.  I bet everyone was glad when that chap sat down.

A lot of wimmen stood up after that and all of ’em looked as is they were well – getting on a bit.  Some of ’em must a bin 65 if they were a day.  They sang, “Unto us a child is born” and the chaps shouted back “Wonderful”, a